Wife Swap: Cullens Vs Jessop
by vampirewithwolfeyes
Summary: When Emmett has an idea everyone knows to duck and hide – this time there's no escape from the chaos the Cullen kids will create. My take on the Wife Swap stories plus special guests. HP/Twilight/Xmen crossover. Twilight Canon pairs DM/HG OC/OC rated for language, sexy scenes. I own nothing you recognise.
1. Chapter 1: Filling out the form

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing you recognise! I respect everyone's Beliefs, Race and Sexual Orientation! **

_Emmett's POV_

I have just had one of the best ideas in the history of the bestest ideas ever. The other bestest idea was marrying my Rose, even though if this doesn't work she might just find away to kill me without getting dirty. Anyway my bestest idea was that we were going to apply for the TV show Wife Swap, we had to get in. There were no other families like us, we'd make brilliant ratings and it would be so much fun to torture a human for two weeks. The 'parents' were out hunting so it was the perfect time.

"I already printed off the forms and the others are on their way," Alice exclaimed, appearing by my side.

"This is going to be awesome!"

"What is it Alice? What could be so important that you had to – wait! What? Wife Swap! Are you mental?" Edward almost shouted as he came down the stairs with a very bed-headed Bella, buttoning up his shirt.

"What about Wife Swap?" Draco asked casually while his mate 'mione looked suspicously at us.

"We are signing Esme up for Wife Swap!" I announced to all of them.

They were all quiet, that wasn't what I was expecting. This could be so much fun. Things were too boring round here lately.

"What were you expecting Emmett?" Edward asked, stupid mind-reading old-age virgin, "You didn't really think we were going to like this _idea_ did you?"

I was confused, _Why shouldn't they like it?_

Edward rolled his eyes but didn't answer me.

"Emmett you idiot, if you sign Esme up you sign all of us up," Scar answered while flipping through the latest magazine her godfather sent her.

"I think it would be interesting and I already checked and everything will be fine ... so there!" Alice chimed with an air of finality that no one would argue with and of course if she was in Jasper would be in.

"Fine," Edward actually agreed which means that Bella and Nessie are in, which means that Jake is in. This was so exciting!

"So guys, what do you think?"

"I guess this could bring us closer and if Alice says it'll be fine then I guess I'm in," 'Mione said slowly, thinking each word through.

I could barely keep myself from high fiving the bushy haired vampire witch. It was no secret that she was the smart one and if she agreed with something then the others would think it was a good idea and join in. Even as I was thinking this through Draco, Scar and Shock were putting their support to my bestest idea ever.

"Come on Rose, you're going to cave eventually," my new physic best friend Alice said, it was a rare occasion when all of the Cullens actually agreed on something.

"Fine," my beautiful wife snapped but in a lighter tone added, "but if we ger in trouble I am blaming you."

"I accept, now let's get this party started!"

We crowded around the dining room table and began to answer the questions.

**Wife Swap Application Form**

**Family Name: **_Cullen_

**Father's Name and Age:** _Carlisle, 3-_

"Emmett you can't say that he is over three hundred years old!"

"Calm down Edward, I was going to put thirty. I do have a brain you know!"

"That's debatable," Scar remarked coldly.

**Mother's Name and Age: **_Esme, 30_

**Maiden Name:**

"Does anyone even know this?"

"It's Platt," Edward answered sounding bored.

_Guess his party trick comes in handy sometimes._

"More than sometimes Emmett."

**Names** **and Ages of all children in this family:**

_Rosalie (Rose) Hale 19_

_Jasper Hale 18_

_Draco Malfoy-Hale 17_

_Alice Cullen 18_

_Isabella (Bella) Cullen 18_

_Renesme Carlie (Nessie) Cullen 8_

_Hermione ('Mione) Grainger-Black_

_Robert (Shock) Black 17_

"Emmett, I am a part of this family!" Edward yelled, taking the pen off me and writing his name.

_Edward Cullen 17_

"And what about my Jakey?" asked cute little Nessie.

"Yeah, what about me?" asked the not at all cute and not little in any way cute Jake.

"Fine. You ruin all the fun."

_Jacob Black 20_

"What about Scar?" Shock asked, sparks flying from his hair.

"I'm only a house guest," she answered, a little disbelieving. "The house guest that never left."

I shrugged, "you're one of us, you just have two families."

_Scarlett (Scar) Howlett 17_

_How long have you been together?_

_Years _

"You can't just put 'years', they want a number stupid," Draco said.

"Okay, I'll just write down over a hundred then and see if that makes them suspicious." _Am I the only one with a brain?_

Edward snorted, he didn't have to be so rude.

"Just say like eight or something," my smart Rosalie suggested.

**Who takes care of the following responsibilities in your family:**

"Urgh, this is so hard."

**Childcare? **_Esme_

**Shopping?**

"Oh put me!" yelled Alice, while jumping up and down. "Please, please, please, please, please..."

"Fine Alice, just shut up!"

**Cleaning?** _Esme_

**Cooking? **_Esme_

**Money? **_Carlisle_

**Planning Social life?**

_This is getting ridiculous. _"What the hell is planning social life?"

"How am I supposed to know?" asked a frustrated Jasper. "Just put Esme."

**Kids homework?**

"Don't kids do their own homework?"

"We're supposed to."

**Do you have any pets? How many? What type? Do they have free reign of the house?**

Scar and Jake shared a look before blurting out laughing.

**How would you describe your diet? What restrictions are there, if any?**

_Vegetarian_

"I'm not being vegetarian for two weeks!" Jake, Scar and Draco shouted.

"Fine," Alice rolled her eyes and wrestled the pen out of my hand.

_With the exception of Jake, Scar and Draco._

**What pushes your buttons?**

_When my children break or destroy things in my house._

**Have you ever or are currently serving in the military?**

"Please, please, please..." I pleaded and added my puppy dog eyes.

"No."

"Aww come on, it worked for Alice."

"Why do you even want to be in the military?"

I shrugged, "why not?"

**Do you or any members of your family have a physical or mental disability?**

"Does shape-shifting count as a disability?" Scar asked mock seriously.

**Have you or any members of your family been treated for alcohol or drug abuse?**

"Maybe we should skip this one?"

**Have you or any members of your family ever been accused or convicted of a felony?**

"Skip this one too."

**Have you or any members of your family ever been detained, been arrested or been in jail for any reason?**

"Definitely skip this one."

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**AN: Read and Review, tell me what you think**


	2. Chapter 2: The video

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing you recognise! I respect everyone's Beliefs, Race and Sexual Orientation! **

_1 month later_

_Carlisle's POV_

I hated to leave the hospital, there was so much I could do, but I had to at the end of my day. I had to act human and in all reality sometimes my tiredness wasn't faked. Sometimes the effort of not giving in to my thirst wiped me out, npt physically but mentally, I would be exhausted.

I pulled up to the mailbox. We never got lots of mail so my children – I would always think of them like that – hardly ever felt the need to bring it in. I was only expecting the usual: a bill or two or some magazines, but I did find a bit more than usual. There were five magazines for Alice, one for Scar, an electric bill, a letter from the last hospital I had worked at – probably just wishing me luck – and a blank, professional looking envelope addressed to me.

I turned it over and nearly had a heart attack. My children didn't, they couldn't have ... the envelope was from RDF media, a TV company that specialized in reality TV shows.

They did or at least they knew something, the beautiful piano music floating down the driveway had stopped. I had to ask them about this and if I was lucky they would all be in the family room, pointless calling it a living room since only three, maybe four of us actually lived.

"Can anyone explain this to me?" I asked, after scanning the letter.

"What is it dear?" Esme asked coming into the room, holding a plate of sandwiches that were promptly distrubuted between Draco, Scar and Jake, even Nessie grabbed one.

"Why don't you ask Emmett?" Edward mumbled under his breath.

"It's a letter from the producers saying that they loved the video we submitted and would love to have us on the show," I said when it became clear that none of my children were going to answer.

"You made a video? How the hell did you make a video?" Scar asked.

"Yeah, it's awesome. Wanna see it?" Emmett asked, all excited like a puppy.

Edward laughed, "Actually Carlisle, a puppy is more intelligent than Emmett."

As if to prove our point Emmett didn't even realise he had just been insulted and kept looking at the TV hopefully, if he had a tail it would be wagging. Edward looked like he was trying do hard not to laugh.

"It might help us understand what is going on," Esme said softly, pulling me onto the two seater sofa with her.

"Family movie night!" Emmett yelled as he ran up the stairs to get the DVD.

"Was he dropped on his head as a baby?" Shock asked and we all laughed.

Emmett came back a second or so later with the disc, the look on his face making us laugh even more. The disc loaded and he sat next to Rose.

A picture of our house flashed on the screen, we were then led into the entrance hallway and up the stairs into my office. The camera peeked through the ajar door to reveal me working at my desk, I hadn't heard them because I was working so hard my forehead was creased.

_"That's me, Dr Carlisle Cullen," _said a voice which sounded very similar to mine.

"Emmett..." He was pretending to be me.

"Ssh," Everyone else hissed at me to shut up so I did.

'My' voice continued, _"I work at the local hospital and am very dedicated to my work._

_"I've been happily married to my wife Esme,"_ Now Esme was on the screen, working in her garden. _"for many years now. Together we adopted eleven children: Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, Bella, Renesme, Jacob, Hermione, Draco and Shock. Shock's girlfriend Scar also lives with us as a house guest."_

"You are more than just a house guest to us," Esme told Scar who shrugged.

_"Renesme, eight, is the youngest of our children," _a laughing Nessie baking cookies with Edward and Jake appeared on the screen. _"She is especially close with Jake who is twenty._"

"Dude, that's all I get?" exclaimed Jake.

"Be grateful," replied Edward. _Oh great, what else is coming?_

_"Alice is eighteen and a shopping addict."_

"Emmet!" shrieked Alice, "I am not a shopping addict!"

_"She is dating Jasper, also eighteen. Jasper is a quiet boy who has some emotional issues and control problems."_

"Really Emmett?" Jasper asked dryly.

"You know Jazzy can't help it. It's not his fault," Alice defended her husband.

_"My other daughter Rosalie, Jasper's older sister and nineteen years of age, is in a serious relationship with my stud of a son, Emmett. When she's not bust with him she enjoys working on cars."_

"Stud of a son? When would I ever say that Emmett?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.

"You don't, but you should. Everyone be quiet, this is one of the best part."

_"My youngest son Edward, seventeen, is a masochist and currently in a heated relationship with an equally troubled Bella, eighteen," _a scene of Edward and Bella making out in their room came onto the screen. Onscreen Edward yelled, _"Emmett, what the hell are you doing? Get out!"_ and slammed the door in his face.

"This is why you were filming us?" Bella yelled. "To send it to Wife Swap?"

"Hey, just be grateful I cut it where I did," Emmett replied calmly. _Oh great, this is exactly what I need, Emmett to have a sex tape of Bella and Edward._

_"Next are out English children. Draco and Hermione are both seventeen and are survivors of a short but brutal war," _a picture of Draco and Hermione reading together appeared on screen. _"We have recently discovered that Draco shares the same father as Rosalie and Jasper, and that Hermione and Jacob are also related."_

Next flashed a static photo of Shock and Scar flashed on screen,_ "Scar and Shock, both seventeen, are currently visiting Scar's father and some friends of their family. They will be back soon. We adopted Shock as his parents abandoned him, Scar is his girlfriend."_

"Yeah and when Thor high-fived me I couldn't feel that hand for a week," Shock whined.

"You wanted to meet him," Scar pointed out.

_"Last but not least is my amazing son Emmett. He is just amazing 'nuff said."_ Emmett cut to a clip of himself showing off his muscles.

_"That's everyone. Now I have to get back to the hospital to save some lives. Peace." _and with that the film was over. _Peace? Why would he say that, it doesn't even sound like me._

"So ... what do you guys think?" Emmett asked timidly after more than two minutes of silence.

Esme was the first to put him out of his misery, "Emmett what were you thinking?"

"He wasn't," Shock answered.

"Emmett I sounded like a complete idiot. Why would I end a video saying 'peace'? What does that even mean?"

"It's cool Carlisle."

"No it isn't."

"Did I ask you Eddie?"

"Don't call me that!"

"I sounded fine," Scar commented.

"You weren't even there!"

"We were and we were fine," Draco pointed out in his 'I'm better than you voice'

Hermione shook her head, "I told you not to use that tone here, Dray."

"You do know why you were fine," Shock started, ignoring Emmett's wide eyes. "It's because he doesn't want you to come up with a curse that makes him even more of an idiot or means that he and Rose can't have sex."

"Would that be a bad thing?" Draco asked playing at confusion.

"Emmett, we don't have problems."

"Yes, you do," commented Rosalie.

Soon enough all of my children had started arguing amongst themselves except for Renesme who sat on the floor watching them, to her it was better than TV.

"Children, enough!" Esme yelled over them. They all stopped arguing her and turned towards her. "They are coming whether we like it our not so I guess we are going to have to make the best of it."

"You want to do it?" I asked Esme, wide-eyed.

My sweet wife nodded, "I think it would be interesting and being forced to act human will be enough punishment for them."

Everyone turned and glared at Emmett who looked around and asked, "so, um, anyone want to watch the unrated version?"

We all groaned, "Emmett!"

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**A/N Read and Review, tell me what you think**


	3. Chapter 3: Meeting 'perfection'

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing you recognise! I respect everyone's Beliefs, Race and Sexual Orientation! **

_Laura POV_

"Mother, here is your letter," my daughter, Abigail, said softly.

I knew she had been standing there for a while, waiting for me to notice her, and impatience had her breaking our rules. I would have to punish her for that and also for wasting time. I knew she should be in the laundry room, that was her next chore.

"Thank you Abigail."

She handed me the slightly thicker than normal stack of letters. Two were from my nine year old twin boys' teachers, one from a boy that my other daughter liked – he would be asking for permission to take her out – and a larger plain envelope that filled me with pure happiness.

"Children, come here," I didn't have to raise my voice since all four of my children knew to come as soon as I called for them

I counted to three in my head, if my children didn't arrive soon there would be consequences, before opening my eyes. Daniel and Joesph were there, so was Bethany but Abigail was nowhere to be seen.

"Where is your sister?"

"In our room ma'am," Bethany answered playing with her ponytail. "She put on some Mozart as she started to sort the laundry. She may not have heard you."

"I did not ask for excuses Bethany. You three stay here while I go get her."

"Yes Ma'am," my good children chorused.

As soon as I walked into the girls' bedroom I knew why she hadn't heard me. The music, while acceptable, was too loud and instead of doing the laundry like she was supposed to be doing she was practising her ballet. I had no problems with ballet, it kept her flexible and in shape, but there was a time and place for it. This wasn't it, this was chores time.

"Abigail Jessop!"

She stopped twirling to face me, a few whisps of hair escaping it's acceptable and appropriate tight bun, and she looked confused as to why I was looking at her with my stern face.

"Stop your meaningless twirling right this minute, and join your siblings in the living room. Your father can deal with your punishment when he comes in from work this evening."

Fear flashed in her eyes before she looked at her feet, instantly chastised, "Sorry ma'am."

"You shouldn't have done it," I said sternly, sorry doesn't mean anything. It's just a word.

"Yes ma'am," she left the room she shared with her sister.

The girls had really been pushing their luck lately; Bethany's talks on the family phone were getting longer, Abigail was doing dance when she shouldn't be and skipping chores and their tidy room was getting messy. As I walked downstairs I totalled up the number of punishments my husband, James, would have to give that night.

One for Bethany for interrupting me, one for wasting time, one for lying to me and one for allowing her room to get messy. Abigail's list was decidedly longer; one for not coming when I called her, one for not doing her chores, one for also allowing her room to get messy and three for the homework she failed to correctly complete on time.

I wondered if I should also punishe both of them for their disrespect for the dress code; it was an unseasonably warm day when Abigail wore those shorts and Bethany did have chapped lips when she wore that slightly coloured chapstick.

It was usually my boys who misbehaved but it seemed it would be the girls' turn to push me. This must have been the teenage rebellion, I had hoped that I would be one of those lucky parents who's children didn't rebel. Either way it wouldn't matter as James and I would just punish them for anything that was against our rules.

"I want you all to make sure this house is spotless by the time your father gets home," I ordered.

"Why?" Daniel asked quietly.

I was unsure if I should punish him for that, asking questions was against our rules, but it wasn't often I changed their schedule. Curiosity wasn't a trait we encouraged so instead of answerng him I just said, "I'll tell you when your father gets home, if you clean up without complaining."

They quickly got to work and by the time James walked in every surface gleamed. My four children were tired but happy when they greeted their father by the door.

Later that night, after a lovely meal, we were having our nightly family meeting. James told the children what was expected of them and then as the children had cleaned up without complaining I told them my news.

"We are going on Wife Swap."

"That's exciting mother," Abigail said.

"I'm glad you think so, but I didn't ask for your opinion," I reminded her gently.

"Since you have all done your extra chores today with no complaining, I have decided to let you watch the video we sent in."

As James went upstairs to get the disk I didn't see the point of us owning a TV, we hardly ever watched it. My husband pressed play and as our children got comfortable I saw our modest two storey house appear on the screen.

_"My name is James Jessop and this is my house, I live here with my family. I am the owner and manager of a local hotel chain, but my wife and I do noy believe in spending money on worthless things," _James' voice said on the screen. After a quick tour of the house, the camera finally settled on our living room and showed the family. _"This is our lovely family. My wife, Laura, is thirty-two and is a stay at home mom who is very active in the community. We have two sets of twins. Our daughters, Abigail and Bethany, are fifteen, are cheerleaders and are involved with ballet and many school activities. Our sons, Daniel and Joesph, are nine and are very sporty; being involved with lots of teams in and out of school. All four of our children are straight A students and we believe that 'Children should only speak when spoken to' and 'Children should be seen and not heard'. Thank you and we hope that we can help some needy family to find the light."_

"What is everyone's thoughts on this?" James asked once the screen went blank.

"There is no way we wouldn't have been picked," Daniel said happily, I was happy that one of my children also thought our family was perfect.

Abigail seemed to be thinking hard about something, she was really starting to think before talking, but she'd never thought this long about anything.

"Abigail?" I prompted, out of the girls she was the more reserved one, Bethany usually did the talking for both of them – which I really didn't like.

"I was just wondering, would this affect our clubs any?"

I gasped at the thought of my children sitting around doing nothing, "Of course not!"

James sent the children to bed after devotions and when he went out with some friends I sat down at the table.

I had only watched the show a few times but I knew enough. My family is the perfect family that doesn't need to change and I would be going to a family heading for Hell, I hoped they at least had a bible. It was never to late to save them and their eternal souls.

I worked until late. I had to write down my day to day life and a guidebook to the Jessop family, and that took a while. I needed this new woman to know that I only signed up to help a needy family but didn't want to sound too perfect, after all pride is a sin.

I also phoned up all of my managers at the places I volunteered to inform them of what was going on. They all accepted it and I wondered if the fact that they would be on TV had anything to with it.

James walked in just as I was getting ready to go to bed. He looked sad and I knew he was thinking about his part on the Island. As far as I was aware he did the right thing, those mutants weren't natural and all of them were dangerous.

_I can do this,_ I thought the next Saturday, as I waited for the crew to finally show up. "Be good and remember how to behave."

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**AN: Read and Review, tell me what you think**


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